Getting Meh Life Together

There are a lot of things I need to do to improve who I am right now. Most of it's involved with picking my ass up and getting my shit together.

I've started realising how badly my fatigue and anxiety are all to do with my perception. I perceive that I lack time, I perceive that I have to do some things alone, I perceive that a mistake will lead to failure, and I perceive that I'll be less happy if I force myself to take responsibility.

I'm really starting to realise how flawed my perception can be. Maybe putting this all out there where the world can see: Showing my faults for all of you, laying them bare, will hopefully embarrass me enough that it helps to get me moving.

1.) I feel like I lack time, not because I'm working too hard too often, but because I'm spending all of my time worrying about what needs to be done, instead of just doing it. In other words, my own procrastination and laziness are making me FEEL like I have more work than I actually do. The problem is going to be learning to cull down some of my laziest tendencies and force myself, in the beginning, to start working, even though I'm tired, which is something I really failed at just a minute ago when I got home, thinking of what needed to be done as far as cleaning was concerned, and instead of just doing it, took a nap. Now I'm behind where I intended to be on cleaning by a couple of hours, and don't really feel more rested than I did because I went to sleep anxious. This NEEDS TO STOP. It's just a matter of learning to strengthen my own will power, which is not an easy task.

2.) The perception that I have to do these things alone is also really wrong. I had an epiphany last night that a lot of the things that really annoy me when I clean: I have clothing that needs to be taken to Goodwill that's in the way. I have recycling that's in the way, I have old electronics that are in the way and that I should probably pawn instead of trashing. These are things which would be easier if I...well, if I was less concerned about the environment, but I'm not planning on changing that bit. The main issue is that I lack a vehicle, and I'm afraid to ask my roommate for rides, because I feel like a burden. What my silly brain didn't click on until....oh, last night, was that Reva has the exact same issues as me. Her family just sent a bunch of stuff home with her that she doesn't want. She contributes to the recycling. Maybe I should suggest doing these things TOGETHER. This hits another one of my deep, deep-seated issues, wherein I hate a. asking for help, and b. interacting with people when I don't have to. XD Get over it, Morgie.

3.) For someone who really, honestly believes and knows that mistakes are learning tools and the bad times are what I appreciate more in the end, I sure am fucking afraid of slipping up. I'm not even gonna rant on that. Again, get over it, Morgie.

4.) When it comes down to it, all of my regrets and frustrations in life are because of things I cause. Even though I blatantly know it to be false, I've subconsciously convinced myself that I'll somehow be less happy if I have to take responsibility. I think a lot of people have this problem. Hell, I think most people do. However, my anxieties are all over times when I'm not responsible. I'm fatigued because I'm worried about classes and responsibilities all the time. I'm irked because things aren't getting done that need to be done (such as my going to get an eye exam and new glasses/contacts, which will immediately help me feel less tired) aren't getting done. How is it that I (and I know this applies to SO MANY) be so afraid of the little unpleasantries of day-to-day life, and in that fear cause our own unhappiness? When it comes down to it, under my worst luck, I don't blame life for making me unhappy. When it comes down to it, when I'm unhappy, it's because of myself, and it's because I know it's all my fault in the end, and I don't like to admit that.

Well, I've admitted it. Maybe part of it's due to a natural "anxiety disorder", but there are steps I can take to cull that. I'm just probably going to--and I hate to admit it--need help and support from others to build up the strength to do what it takes.

And now, signing off and getting to work.