More Self-discovery

As it goes, I'm documenting some of my personal progress. If that's not what you want to read, then you can safely skip this one.

On the other hand, the nice thing about human discovery is that it's very rarely applicable to only one person. I've talked to a lot of people about how I've had little motivation and will-power, and it's a common problem. Maybe someone else can find something that will help them in here.

First off, to wherever in the aether he may be, I have to thank Father Anthony de Mello. I think that it is in part because of his teachings that I've come across these epiphanies. I think the thing that makes having discovered him so important is that he reaffirms some thing I already knew, but which I'd never let come to the forefront of my mind.

Those who know me have probably heard it multiple times. I'm tired, I'm apathetic, and I can't get myself to do what needs to be done. This has become a panic point for me for multiple obvious reasons, not least of which that I, for one, am about to graduate and I need to get my shit in gear, and, for another, that I've never thought myself to be a lazy person. That's not the kind of person I want to be.

On asking others, I was given tips, hints, techniques. All of these invariably failed. Reading The Way to Love (Father de Mello's final manuscript), as repetitive as it may be (I swear, there was a section that was, word for word, in the book twice), pointed me in what I think is the right direction. I couldn't "Just do it". I couldn't put myself through rigorous schedules and lengthy to-do lists to break the habit. What I had to do was look at myself, and figure out WHY I was doing (or not doing) it.

For one, I've had a rant to a few people lately on the fact that, with my sister's help, I've realized that I literally never learned how to put in 100% effort. Mainly due to abysmally low educational standards as I was growing up, I estimate that about 95% of the time, I was putting in 50% effort or less, and getting "A"s. Only on rare occasions would I have to actually work to improve. I love learning, but I was bored. I wasn't challenged. And rather than creating challenge for myself, I learned to stagnate, and create excuses when I was expected to put in more effort than I had before. In reality, I realize, I'm not the one who's changed and grown apathetic. I've been this way most of my life, but the change was that I could get by, then, with only minimal effort, and now I can't.

The second, and interconnected part of this is that I'm afraid. Up until about 10 minutes ago when I had yet another small epiphany, I thought that the fear came when I came to this school, as a product of the fact that I did need to go that extra mile to be in the top group of students. I thought that I had blamed that on myself, on my own lack of abilities. I feared it meant that I just wasn't as good as I thought I was.

While this is all true, it goes back farther than that. I only generally bring it up to people I'm really close to, but I had a very nasty running experience in high school. I won't go into detail, but in short, I had a kind of stalker, someone who claimed love for me one moment, and then switched on a dime to claiming that I was the scum of the earth, and that I and everyone I held dear deserved horrible pain and death. While the threats to my life were scary, the thing that was truly disabling from that experience was the constant, pervasive assurance that I was worthless, that I was flawed, that I deserved everything I was getting. I realize now that I believed part of it. Somewhere between three to four years of that, and it'll get into your head.

The thing that suffered the most, I think, was my confidence in my abilities having to do with things that aren't concrete. Things like writing, my theatre life that I had at the time, singing, and now modeling and animating. Things that I can't do it, and like with math, be told, "That's perfect, move on." I grew unsure of my own capabilities, because I couldn't prove that I was doing well (There can always be a mistake), and I became afraid. I learned to doubt myself. I became afraid in high school, and it was compounded more and more as the years after went on, and I had to face myself, without a lot of the stability and protection of my younger years.

The reason it's compounded so heavily recently is that it's hit a point in my life where I've run out of concrete endeavors. I don't have general education classes where I can do the work, and it's right, and I get an A. All of my classes, all of my hobbies, all of the things I'm learning slowly to do in my daily life are abstract, subjective, indefinable things. I lost a part of my stability, and my foundation crumbled with me on top of it.

Realizing that this was all at the crux of my problem hasn't disheartened me. In fact, quite the opposite. Two nights ago, I had a moment of perfect and refreshing clarity. I had this moment of, "Wait a second. This is stupid. You're trying to fight your fear of laziness and failure by not trying?" And I realized it was all a fast and downward spiral.

In response, I already feel more energized, more inspired. Still, there's a niggling thought in the back of my head that this kind of thing never lasts, but I'm doing my best not to listen. It'll last this time, and even if it doesn't or I have a hiccup, I just have to reassure, get my bearings, try again. Any progress is better than no progress. Just like with my language studies. I don't study every day, but I haven't given up completely. I have days where I don't, and days where I do, and every day I do, I keep learning and getting more used to doing the work. Just don't give up.

It isn't just schoolwork these niggling thoughts have affected. It's everything, from getting up in the morning, to working on my art and writing, to the "more important" things like doing my homework and job searching. This brings up another point: What's really important in my life?

Another portion of my problem is that I've listened too much to suggestions on how I should arrange my priorities. Too often, I'm caught up in the circling thought of "I don't have enough time". This thought then leads into a common train, which goes something like this:

1.) There are things I want to do other than schoolwork and job hunting. But everyone says schoolwork and job hunting are more important.
2.) Schoolwork and job hunting take up a lot of time, which leaves me no time to do what I want to do. This depresses me.
3.) I begin to MAKE time to do the things I want to do, a bit angrily, putting off my schoolwork and job hunting. I view schoolwork and job hunting as burdens, even if they are in themselves rewarding endeavours, and even if the schoolwork is things I actually enjoy. They take away time from my personal projects. Thus, they are evil.
4.) I go to do the things I want to do. I then feel guilt about doing these things rather than doing the "more important" schoolwork and job hunting, so I lose my focus and end up trying to do schoolwork instead, while still being angry at said schoolwork for keeping me from doing the things I want to do.
5.) I end up not doing anything at all.

This, needless to say, is a bit of a problem. For one, I've come to terms with the fact that I need to do things I enjoy, even if it means I'm not constantly doing schoolwork and job hunting, and that guilt about enjoying myself needs to go the fuck away. It's important to me, and everyone else can bite me. This, however, doesn't mean that I'm going to let my schoolwork suffer and that I'm going to put off job hunting forever. However, at my current stage, I'm already procrastinating until the last minute. How much worse can it get, save for not doing it altogether? I figure, if I'm getting anything done, it's an improvement.

This is especially pertinent of an issue with one of my stories, Twisted Religion. TR is a fanfic, meaning I get no profit from it other than my own enjoyment, and the enjoyment it gives to my readers. As a result, TR has been, time and time again, pushed down to the very bottom of my priority list, and as a result hasn't been touched much in about 2 years.

The story absolutely haunts me. I want, desperately, to finish it. Yet, working on it in the past generated a tremendous amount of guilt, because I subconsciously equated it with procrastination on the things that everyone else considered the important things in my life. No more. That story is now pushed very far up my priority list, and the visible payoff is tremendous. I'll finish it. It'll be done, and I can move on in my life. And if it means I keep procrastinating a bit until I finish, so be it. It can't be any worse than I'm doing now, because I'm already at rock-bottom. At least I'll be getting something done, even if it's not what everyone else things is important. I think it's important. THAT is what matters.

With TR itself, I've also encountered another priority-related standstill. There are parts of the story that I'm horribly unhappy with. The idea, when I set out to write it, was to create something truly special, that I could be really proud of. The main character, Mello (Not to be confused with Father de Mello...I know it's kind of ironic), is a special character to me, and the story is in itself an homage to what the character has done in my life. I want it to be good, and I don't want to settle for a half-assed job. Because of this, my instinct has been to go back and edit the story, but I keep getting told that I should finish it first, then edit it later, or even that I shouldn't be so OCD about the story in the first place, and just settle for what I have.

I'm not doing that anymore. I could write out the chain of thoughts related to this single story, and they would look remarkably similar to the Work vs. Play argument I described above. I feel guilt over doing what I feel is important, because it doesn't match the priorities of the people around me, and so I wind up not doing anything. It's not just OCD making me want to edit. It's that I see flaws in the story and the writing itself, and that I know I could do better. I've now started back at the beginning, analyzing every line and putting out a version of the first chapter that's up to my own standards. I'm going to finally start to put in 100%, and I'm starting with this story. And when I finish it, and I've created something special to me that I can be proud of, that'll be the first major milestone in this new stage of my life.

After that, I think the rest will follow easily.