Some Thoughts

For one, I was up very early this morning. Kind of bizarre. Of course, it can be attributed to the fact that I crashed very early yesterday.

Secondly, I have realised something. I hate writing. It's kind of funny to realise, because I always assumed, after writing so much, including a 300-page novel-length fic, that I enjoyed writing a rather great deal. However, it's not the writing I like. I enjoy being able to portray ideas in writing, but the actual writing itself? Hate it, with a rather firey, burning passion. I think that's one of the reasons it tends to get shoved to the backburner so quickly when I'm busy. After reading Illusions again, the preface of which has Richard Bach blatantly saying "I hate writing" (Which always kind of appalled me), and then waking up this morning and working on writing, myself, I realised how much of a love-hate relationship I have with it. 



Granted, hating the process of writing (I rather hate the process of drawing, too, in all honesty), doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile. I think it's just a bit of a relief to finally admit to myself how much of a royal pain in the ass it is to sit in front of a screen/notebook and try to think of the right words to adequately express an idea which, half the time, is more eloquent in my head.

Ranting, on the other hand, I love. I can say whatever the hell I want here, and I don't really have to worry about making it sound good. XD

'Kay. Next thought.

This is something I thought of the other night, right after I turned my computer off. Otherwise, I would have probably word-vomited about it then.

I've realised the very unsavoury, unpleasant fact that I'm lonely. I am really yearning for a relationship right now, and I hate it. I've never considered myself the kind of person who needs relationships to be happy. In fact, I can be quite miserly when it comes to the subject of love. On the other hand, my experience gives a very different picture than my mental image of my own dealings with love.

1.) I'm far, FAR too quick to fall for people. In a bit of desperation to have someone to give myself to, I am also too quick to want to say "I love you". I know it's a problem, and I'm working on it. I think part of this is a self-esteem issue. I feel best about myself when I'm making other people happy. I know better than to jump into relationships before I've dealt with my own issues. In fact, I give that people that advice all the time. (You horrible hypocrite, Morgie.) However, I'm also realising how lonely being....well, alone can be, and it sucks.

I'm also horny as a mofo, but that's another story.

2.) No way to deny it: I'm a hopeless romantic. Under all the outward cynicism lies a person longing to give myself away to love, to fall into it; be consumed by it. It's most obvious in my art, my writing, and RP. These are the fictional outlets for something I don't have in real life. I think that's the case for a lot of people writing/drawing/RPing/reading romance. I sometimes wonder if all the fantasy is making the loneliness easier, or if it's helping to cause it.

3.) It is pathetic, to the point of my wanting to bang my head on a desk, that I look at people around me and, too often than not, find myself analysing them for relationship potential. That's a really embarrassing thing to be writing about, but once again, I do this blogging for a reason. Putting down all this inner embarrassing stuff is a really good way to make sure I'm not keeping secrets. Not keeping secrets keeps me happy. Also, humiliating myself publicly gets my ass in gear. So, Morgie, stop doing that, you sad, pathetic bint. XD

Okay, enough angsting for today. Something good:
1.) I actually put my6 foot down and limited my RPing earlier this week! Afterward, I worked my butt off on Environmental design! Go me.

2.) I started working on the next part of my homework for that class RIGHT AFTER the class ended. I didn't wait until the day before.

3.) I'm currently working on a fic for Matti that I've owed her for a good long time. The rest of today, and through tomorrow, I'm going to heavily limit my RP time, and work on all of my homework, and do some more cleaning up. (Note to self: buy a spray bottle for the steri-fab, so you can be paranoid and spray down the boxspring that probably doesn't actually have anything in it.)